Roses may be red and violets blue but Love is… NOT poetry
My Dad’s wedding gift to us was a simple assignment. Read 1 Corinthians 13. Of course we were both already familiar with this passage, and studied it together during our courtship.
I remember us attempting this whlist in the first days of our newlywed high – with the best intentions, it seemed like the easiest task. Piece. Of. Cake.
But, I can safely say three years later – actually being married takes the words of 1 Cor 13 from “nice ” to NECESSARY!
When I heard this scripture at weddings it sounded “nice”, I would day dream about having this love one day. But now within a marriage I’m learning…
Love is not poetry, though it can be inspiring, beautiful and poetic
Love isn’t a fuzzy feeling
Love usually isn’t getting ‘your way’ by any means
Love doesn’t do the bear minimum
Love goes above and beyond
Love isn’t fleeting and thrill seeking
Love isn’t always social media friendly or retweetable, or likeable
Love has no filter and no hiding place
Love doesn’t play games
Love doesn’t have a plan B
You can’t “fall out of love” because you didn’t “fall” in to it
Love is a choice
Love is usually not the popular choice, but the best choice.
God is Love
God is Love, and if you truly believe this as a Christian it will transform your approach to loving your spouse, a sibling, colleague or stranger.
As I encourage you to (re)visit 1 Corinthians 13 today, I ask – can YOU love like this?
Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal.
And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;
does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails.
But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away.
I Corinthians 13:1-8 NKJV
I had big trust issues growing up. You would think this made me guarded, secretive, defensive. No. Instead I made myself vulnerable to everyone. I decided the best way to protect myself from disappointment, was to have no expectations of anyone. I recall my explanation to a friend – since I couldn’t bring myself to trust anyone, I would make sure anything I disclosed to even my closest friends, I could disclose to a stranger, and I often did. I had no filter, I shared almost everything with anyone who had ears, and to no surprise I was taken advantage of.
A few days before the wedding, I spoke with a colleague at work. He had been receiving updates about the ‘big day’ during our lunch breaks, for the past few months. (He’s been married for 6 years!) He asked me “are you ready to make yourself vulnerable?”
Make myself vulnerable? His question sent thumps running to my heart straight away. I didn’t like the sound of that. Being vulnerable would mean allowing my flaws and faults to be exposed to the one person whose opinion matters most to me! I’ve just mastered the whole ‘guarding’ myself thing, and now I’m being asked to let down my guard? What, that can’t be right!
The beautiful thing is that like God with mankind; when we allow our imperfections to the surface, we can finally experience the fullness of love the other party is prepared to show us, flaws and all. This is also the first step to tackling those flaws.
Even just some days before our wedding day and God was still pointing out a major flaw to me, through my colleague. The scripture in 1 Corinthians 13 makes more sense now. I understood the being “patient” and not being “proud” part, however there are some things that love does in Corinthians that I didn’t understand.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things.
In other words, love is vulnerable, has no secrets, is trusting, unguarded. Only then can 2 really become 1. Remember that God will invest so much in a person, with every possibility of that person rejecting His assignment and His love. Remember Eden, God crafted a perfect display of His complete love for mankind, and despite His caution, Adam and Eve still betrayed His trust. Or what about Jesus going to the cross, God made His only Son completely vulnerable and at the mercy of men set out to kill Him, why because He loves us.
You’ll never be more vulnerable to any human being than your spouse. If you’re not ready to be vulnerable with your future husband or wife, then you need to ask yourself what kind of marriage you want now or in the future. Not one based on fear, pride, lacking trust and divided – two individuals “doing life” together. I believe God has something more beautiful, sincere and more intimate in mind for marriage. It is the merging of two journeys, the binding together of two lives, the establishment of a single union before God and man. That’s why it’s so important for it to be the right person.
Marriage may not be a bed of roses, but with the right man, and the right woman you can cultivate you own unique garden that works for the two of you.
So, are you ready to make yourself vulnerable? Start first with Christ, it’s working for me…
Peace & Love
It isn’t my relationship that redeemed me.
Some of us have been to terrible, dark places in our lives – paths we blame ourselves for journeying; so that if any man or woman should choose to love us, deep within us we believe there lies our redemption.
“She can be loved”
His proposal tells the world “she can be loved”, and having her by his side makes him ”desirable”. Is it partly because, although we say Christ has redeemed us, we continue to hold ourselves guilty of our past? This is certain, you will never be able to pay for the life you lived, and there is nothing you can do to change your past. But His blood is more powerful, more than capable of helping you to recover from those mistakes and healing your traumas. His blood calls you a new creation. Even if you were the worst of sinners, there is no darkness, no failure, no history that the blood of Jesus cannot overcome and wash away.
“…bought at a much greater price”
Do you long desperately for ”Mister right’‘? Well contrary to the world’s fairytale there is no knight in shining armour who can save you, because the truth is – we all need saving. Maybe you’re already in a relationship? Do you love it when people talk about your relationship? Does it give you a confidence in your self-worth, which you dare not carry alone? The truth is, no relationship status, no ring can redeem you, because you were bought at a much greater price. Are you able to love and appreciate your worth, the unique value placed in you by God? Or are you still angry and still ashamed? I find I feel more confident since getting engaged, it’s like you carry a stamp on your left hand that says “you’re worth it” (like the L’Orèal ads). But the novelty will soon wear off and then what? Will you seek for the next thing to make you feel redeemed and cleared of your past?
Christ is before you asking you, “Woman where are thine accusers?” Think about the woman accused of adultery, even after the accusations ceased why did she remain there, stood before Jesus? Perhaps her greatest condemnation – the one that kept her where her accusers left her, was her own. What have you done wrong? How have you messed up? Whatever it is, I have news for you, you have been redeemed. You don’t have to justify God’s love towards you or His blessings in your life. There is no need to feel ashamed anymore, when the spotlight is on you. They don’t see who you used to be, they don’t see your past sins and struggles, they see God’s glory. They see YOU, redeemed and refined by Christ – because you are. Jesus took your shame to the cross, you have been redeemed and there is no catch, but believe that your redemption is in Christ.
Your redemption is not pegged on your relationship status. When it comes to the matters of your inner-self, your relationship status is irrelevant. Start addressing those memories that try to convince you that you haven’t changed. Read about Paul, he could have carried the shame and guilt of a notorious past, persecuting the church. He would have been justified to seek the approval of the people he was sent to share the Gospel with, but instead he allowed his identity and call in Christ to be the driving force of his life. You can too.
It isn’t my relationship that redeemed me. I was a wreck, and Christ saw me, broken, desperate and tired, and He carried me. Long before my Fiancé noticed me or even knew who I was, long before there was any proposal in sight, Christ began a work of redemption in me. So I encourage you today, to forgive yourself and forgive your past, and begin to learn about your redemption that is everlasting in Christ. As my Pastor often says – “your past is past”, and no man can, no man has redeemed you and no man will, but the living God.
May God help us to believe His unconditional love towards us, may He teach us step out of the shadows of our past and hand over every negative memory and guilt to Him, and may God teach us to truly love ourselves, in Jesus name amen.
Peace & Love
BEING SINGLE IS BEING RICH
Personal Growth – Wisdom
Richard met Grace one frosty winter morning. Grace was also frosty. The cold weather had clearly worn at her patience, and the wait for the bus to the train station made her all the more intolerant. But a small warmth gathered in the bottom of Richard’s stomach – in this bitter cold, he was beginning to break into a sweat. He felt he had to speak to the girl at the bus stop. Richard wasn’t the type to approach strangers, especially when there was no clear purpose or desired consequence for his endeavour. He was normally a very grounded and sensible person.
Everything about this was unlike Richard, and yet he had to speak to her. It was a most painful experience for Richard, when he made the effort to start a conversation with Grace that cold morning. There were definitely no fire works, not even a single spark in the 20 to 30 seconds the conversation survived, before the bus arrived and severed Richard’s effort. Yet still, the possibility of a friendship had been sown, a small seed impressioned in fertile soil. In the Spring of that year, as colour returned to the trees and the air outside became rich with hope and fertility – Grace made the effort to speak to the boy at the bus stop. Their story continues.
One day, Grace is sitting in the cafe opposite her work place, when she receives a phone call from Richard. He is fuming. When Grace asks what the issue is, Richard isn’t very clear, and becomes agitated by his own inability to explain himself. He raises his voice in frustration, and eventually manages to offend the one person he had hoped would encourage him.
What should Grace do?
Richard and Grace have been courting now for 11 months and Grace didn’t take offence lightly. In a moment of anger she remembered how she had dismissed Richard when he first tried to approach her. Part of her felt insulted, that this same person, was now at liberty to speak to her in such a manner. But before she could press the send button to a highly heated rebuke, she had composed at the height of her offence, within herself she heard a voice, telling her to reconsider.
Calm down. Will this text message make things better for you? Will it make things better for Richard? Beyond your anger, you want the best for both of you, don’t you? Yes your pride is hurt, but can you sacrifice your pride for his peace – and yours?
In the bible Wisdom is referred to as a most precious jewel.
15 Skillful and Godly Wisdom is more precious than rubies; and nothing you can wish for is to be compared to her.
16 Length of days is in her right hand, and in her left hand are riches and honour.
17 Her ways are highways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace.
18 She is a tree of life to those who lay hold on her; and happy (blessed, fortunate, to be envied) is everyone who holds her fast.
Wisdom can mean the difference between a passing disagreement and ongoing strife. Wisdom can appease the brunt of a hurtful remark. And if there is to be any hope for two individuals pursuing a lifetime together, then wisdom must be ever exercised and learned by these individuals. Mother and child, husband and wife, friends and even work colleagues. Wisdom can rarely be crafted by man, because man’s wisdom only buries offence, hides the truth, manipulates. Man’s wisdom is for his own gain – he is at the centre of his own wisdom. But Godly-wisdom bares the fruits of peace and fellowship, healing, progress, understanding, humility, submission, forgiveness and love. Godly wisdom is selfless.
Whilst we are single, we are in the prime season to learn selflessness. If you don’t make the effort to learn selflessness whilst you’re single, then you might take selfishness with you into marriage and other relationships. Having to learn selflessness, whilst confronting the joys and challenges presented in marriage, only makes it twice as hard. Let’s strive to apply wisdom at work – in our relationship with our friends. There are a few great teachers in life, one is our family. Who grate on us and yet still we love them. Who offended us the night before, and yet the following day we greet with a “good morning”. Let’s seek to practice Godly wisdom, when we see the signs of an argument brewing between siblings, or we want to offer correction, or receive correction.
It won’t happen overnight, but actively seeking God’s wisdom can help in preventing a lot of hurt feelings and bitterness, and avert disunity.
Because marriage is a constant journey of coming together –
two becoming one, not growing apart.
An hour or so later, after cooling off, Richard will call Grace back and apologise, and explain what happened. Grace will forgive him and encourage him. Later that evening, Grace may decide to tell Richard how the way he spoke to her made her feel, and Richard might take this correction on board. So that if ever again, Richard feels like he did on this particular occasion, he’ll be mindful of his behaviour towards the girl he loves. And their story will continue.
I pray God will continue to teach us how to journey in Him, and walk in His wisdom, that it might be well with us and our loved ones continually in Jesus name amen.
Stay tuned for the next post on being Single and Rich!
Peace & Love
BEING SINGLE IS BEING RICH
Often times, our spiritual growth changes in pace and direction.
For instance, discovering a new spiritual gift within a short space of time or developing an enduring faith in God, over a life time.Yes the spirit is a mystery…beyond human understanding. But by the grace of GOD , HE reveals to us, what we need to know, when we need to know it.
I remember a time in my walk with Christ, when I found it difficult to pray. I would prepare myself in the morning, and soon after my prayer began, my mind would trail off, at times I would fall asleep or say things without really meaning it…
‘When I got saved’ (every Christian uses that line right…) the idea of a godly man appealed to me. I looked forward to being completely spiritually dependent on my future husband. So long as he could pray, he could speak in tongues, so long as his faith was strong, and he always said and did the “right” thing – then our relationship – our courtship, engagement and our marriage would be heaven on earth! As my passion for God developed, I came to a point in my life when I wanted, so desperately to be in a relationship (for mostly all the wrong reasons). Being in a relationship would heal my broken past, make me more God-fearing, and give me the spiritual fervour I saw and admired in my leaders at church and my Pastor – oh and I would be in a relationship – so that would be the icing on the cake.
What I’m learning now, which never occurred to me then, is that:
My future husband will almost definitely need me as much as I need him, emotionally and also spiritually. Our relationship could not be me at one end constantly taking from him spiritually, with him at the other end, carrying the responsibility for both of our spiritual journeys, and being drained out in the process. Just imagine two empty barrels at the end of the day.
Iron sharpens iron… There is a reason why iron sharpens iron. Because both parties are bringing something into the mix, which refines and helps replenish the other – by the grace of God bestowed upon them. Thus sustaining and encouraging them both in their walk with God and their journey together in pursuing righteousness.
So, I tried to make prayer the first thing I did when I woke up, but I found falling asleep came all too easy. So I tried praying after freshening up, which proved to be more successful. Over time I developed a kind of structure, and prayer points for every day of the week, which I followed loosely. I stuck to reading a chapter from the bible every morning, so that I could gain a greater understanding of the word of God – in order to communicate better with God in my prayer time. After all, you can’t speak a language you don’t understand. And before long, I started to enjoy praying – prayer points came to me more fluidly, and my structure became easier and easier to remember and follow.
I’m learning that relationships are physical yes, but they are also spiritual. In a God-fearing relationship, what you see isn’t all that you get – And isn’t that our bonus?! Like a well wrapped present, our real prize lies within. When God says two have become one, we can’t just take it literally, in the physical sense. But what we are being made to know is that before God we are now seen as one – even in spirit. So my husband’s spiritual state should be as important to me, as my own spiritual state.
For a relationship to thrive, the commitment of time, affection, and attention is very important, but so is our spiritual commitment and accountability to our spouse. Now that I am able to pray, when the season of marriage arrives in my life, I’ll be able to pray for my husband and our kids and family members and friends… the list is endless and I’m looking forward to it. Because I have developed the discipline and practice now. I can be that Super-Prayer-Warrior-Wife I’ve always wanted to be.
This is just one example. We may appear physical, but we are all on a spiritual journey. A journey God intended for constant growth and prosperity. So where do you feel you could improve spiritually? What spiritual gifts or fruits do you desire in your future wife or husband? Now turn that list towards yourself, do you have any of those gifts?
Being single is being given the opportunity to prepare, learn and grow.
So we can enjoy the benefits and rewards before marriage and during marriage.
May God grant us the grace to grow in spirit and to go from glory to glory for HIS glory. And when our season for marriage arrives, we will be anchored in CHRIST, and our marriages and our faith will stand in Jesus name amen.
Stay tuned for the next post on being Single and Rich!
Peace and Love
BEING SINGLE IS BEING WEALTHY
Many of us don’t understand just how privileged we are even before we say “I do”.
Let me explain.
When you are single you have a currency £$ of potential at your disposal. A blank chequer.
You have access to a savings account banked with:
Whilst we’re single, the time we have for ourselves is probably at its maximum. Because we don’t (yet) have the responsibilities (privileges *wink*) of attending to and loving our spouse 24/7, as well as all the other responsibilities that come with married life – we are able to focus more on ourselves. This is the perfect season to discover your likes and dislikes, your skills, your strengths, your weaknesses and do something with and about them.
When we are single, we have a wealth of potential. Although God is penning our lives, He has already instilled in us desires, passions and talents that He wants us to invest into the world around us for His glory. Like the parable of the talents: The servant given one talent made two mistakes.
1. He was afraid and as children of God fear cannot be part of our vocabulary. Don’t be afraid of failure – He who started a work in you will be faithful to complete it. Oh and don’t believe the lies, when they tell you that you have to be a damsel in distress before your knight in shining armour can come and “rescue you” – I’ve been saved once already – by JESUS – so thanks but no thanks. And Guys, she doesn’t have to see you as her hero before you believe she really likes you.
And 2. He was lazy. As children of God we are called to a life of service, exploits and prosperity – just like Christ, just like the many examples of men and women of God in the bible. People who worked hard like David, lived sacrificial and obedient lives like Abraham and served God courageously like Deborah. So this is the perfect time to take those godly risks and put your gifts and ambitions into practice. Don’t wait till you marry to become successful, take the talents God has given you to the exchangers now! Like the good and faithful servants.
What talents do you have?
What skills do you take for granted?
Start with asking God what He wants you to invest in.
Ladies we don’t need to hang around idle, waiting for our other half to notice us. And Gents, you don’t have to considered every girl you come across and find your wife through trial and error.
Be sure of this, if you make yourself available to God and fix your eyes on Him, He will not hide a good thing from your sight.
Being single is being rich with potential.
So start fulfilling your God-given potential today.
Waiting with a purpose is sure to be a better experience than rushing through life’s seasons without one. May God pave our paths with His instruction, His mercy and His grace in Jesus name amen.
Stay tuned for the next post on being Single and Rich!
Peace & Love
So for those of you who have yet to see my latest video
I basically talk about my decision to study relationships in accordance to the will of God and to use Joshua Harris’ books: I Kissed Dating Goodbye (new edition 2003), Boy Meets Girl – say hello to courtship (2005), Sex Is Not The Problem (Lust Is) (2003)… to edify me on this journey.
Chapter 1 – So This Is Love? :
After reading the first chapter, I was slightly overwhelmed, partially with self pity and partially with guilt. It’s hard to accept that every relationship you’ve had with the opposite sex in relation to romance and otherwise has been one selfish act after the other, hurting you and the recipient. It occurred to me that I really did not understand what it meant to love, especially the opposite sex. I felt sorry for myself, because I felt this may have stemmed from the effects of an absent father figure. Then I felt guilty, for trying to put the blame on my circumstances, and almost making the same tragic mistake again. I don’t think its advisable for any woman or man to involve themselves in a romantic relationship before they learn what it means to love someone, with the love of God as the affection we aspire to connote. That doesn’t mean idolising, but perhaps sacrificing, what makes you feel good for what is best for them, or as Joshua Harris explains in I Kissed Dating Goodbye:
‘Every relationship for a Christian is an opportunity to love another person like God has loved us. To lay down our desires and do what’s in his or her best interest. To care for him or her even when there’s nothing in it for us. To want that person’s purity and holiness because it pleases God and protects him or her’ (2003, p.19)
I had quite an emotional response to this chapter because it hurt to admit that I wasn’t entirely sure how to love someone, as God loves me. All I knew is I hadn’t been applying God’s love to past relationships, romantic and otherwise, spent in tears, loneliness and desperation. So what decision did I take once I experienced this revelation? I prayed to God for forgiveness, for my lack of understanding and selfishness, I surrendered my heart to him and I asked him for guidance and support. I then spoke with my Pastor (which took some courage and humility) and asked for a mentor, to oversee my journey to learn how to be a single Christian, exercising the love of God in all my relationships.
Now I’m excited, because I know the best is yet to come, as I grow closer to God, I get further away from my past and life becomes just that little bit lighter. Of course I want to get married, I can’t stress, just how much I want to get married, but it isn’t the peak of life. To me marriage sounds like a ministry, a means of serving and glorifying God, it requires planning, preparation and God’s support. I look forward to experiencing it by the grace of God, but I know there’s a lot of planning and preparation necessary, if God is to add a relationship and marriage to my testimony.
I pray that those who need to make a similar decision will join me on this journey, to discover how to walk in the love of God, I pray God will forgive us for our selfishness and lack of patience by his mercy, that he will descend upon us the enabling spirit to love as he loves us, to be patient, disciplined and diligent to his will for us in Jesus mighty name, amen. And I pray that he will provide us guidance and mentorship in Jesus name amen.